OT: waaaaaaay OT....

[Gleb]

metaphorically speaking would be a closer hit. In her case she let him mess around on her and eat lots of BBQ take out. Same result in the long run. she just outsourced the labor

wow...i'm speachless. That was really well put.

[Aisling]

not correct... i did all those things listed above and beyond for a man and in the end all i got was an uncle f*cka who thought he was king of the world or the sun and that everyone revolved around him...

[Gleb]

Well there is an exception to every rule.

I always thought that women have alot of power over men. Alot more than they think. One of my friend's room mates is in an abusive relationship and it only resulted because she gave the guy the power over her. We're working on tryin to get her out of it, but its alot harder than we thought, because she "loves" him. I don't think its a physically abusive, just all mental stuff. You can't do this, cant do that, can't go out on a friday with friends, can't talk to people on AOL instant messanger and so on...Its horrible...

Anyways, DrD is totally right, women can rule the world and, for the most part, all they have to do is "just go with the flow."

[Mike T]

Anyways, DrD is totally right, women can rule the world and, for the most part, all they have to do is "just go with the flow."

I guess I'm a "complicated" guy then. "Good grub and a roll in the hay" is not enough to keep me interested. It works for me when there's common interests and time spent doing them. You know, things like SNOWBOARDING. Of course, frequent rolls in the hay are a good thing, but I enjoy fixin' the grub as much as I enjoy not fixin' it. Been married almost 10 years now, 3+ of them with a child, it hasn't gotten old yet. I think 200+ days shredding together have a LOT to do with that.

[Gleb]

I guess I'm a "complicated" guy then. "Good grub and a roll in the hay" is not enough to keep me interested. It works for me when there's common interests and time spent doing them. You know, things like SNOWBOARDING. Of course, frequent rolls in the hay are a good thing, but I enjoy fixin' the grub as much as I enjoy not fixin' it. Been married almost 10 years now, 3+ of them with a child, it hasn't gotten old yet. I think 200+ days shredding together have a LOT to do with that.

you are a lucky man. You are living my dream. My main goal is to find a girl who loves snowboarding as much as I do as well as just being outdoors. I'm in no hurry though. Congrats!

[skipuppy]

It sounds like I'm out of luck I guess: don't like cooking.. but there are trade offs. I actually enjoy doing the dishes so maybe that balances it out a bit.

In my longest relationship he cooked a lot and every now and then I would cook. We were both appreciated immensely by the other for their contribution. This statement will probably be negated, but I feel that if cooking becomes an expectation a certain degree of appreciation gets lost.

[ncermak]

skipup and gleb...would you two just get on with it too?

you are both in Beantown...college students. have pretty much described each other in what you are looking for. granted pup, If Gleb looks anything like his avatar, you're in trouble, but Gleb...have you seen that glamour shot she put up for you? Get in touch with the girl!

[Gleb]

skipup and gleb...would you two just get on with it too?

you are both in Beantown...college students. have pretty much described each other in what you are looking for. granted pup, If Gleb looks anything like his avatar, you're in trouble, but Gleb...have you seen that glamour shot she put up for you? Get in touch with the girl!

I appreciate it man, but i have no time to devote to a relationship and I would be totally unfair to anyone thats together with me. Busy summer ahead with kiteboarding, work and summer classes. I am taking summer classes so next snowboard season, i'll have classes two times a week! Combine that with a season pass for next year to a mountain thats an hour away and me having a car and you get a winning combo. I'll get in 50+ days easily. Double what I got this year and about 25 times more than most previous years.

Picture me as Zeingiff except with tighter and skimpier underwear.

Also, skipuppy, I don't think I ever realized it, but you're absolutly right about the fact that appreciation is lost if its expected. Wow i learned alot from this thread.

[Dr D]

not correct... i did all those things listed above and beyond for a man and in the end all i got was an uncle f*cka who thought he was king of the world or the sun and that everyone revolved around him...

Right you are. It helps if you don't pick a complete bunghole to try this theory out on. My advice avoid the flashy "LADIES" man and pick one of the dozen real guys around you. The ones that you see as good friends are a good place to start. half of your guy friends are in love with you and just won't take the risk of telling you. The dummies are probably supporting you in and out of six relationships all the time wishing you'd notice them. They are doing what their mothers taught them to do. Hopefully someone notices them before they become bitter and go looking for a "Ladies" man to mentor them in the fine art of "get what you want and run cause women are all nuts"

The nice guy will finally pick the first women to notice him. Lets hope she's not a complete bunghole.

pup cooking is really just a metaphor and if you find a guy who enjoys sharing it with you that's fantastic. The guts of the metaphor is that you have to be willing to give. Giving is the core of a relationship. Both ways its not give and take its GIVE and GIVE

[Mike T]

you are a lucky man. You are living my dream. My main goal is to find a girl who loves snowboarding as much as I do as well as just being outdoors. I'm in no hurry though. Congrats!

Absolutely - DON'T BE IN A HURRY. When I was your age I envisioned myself getting married at about 35 - which is where I am now. I got married at 26 'cause despite the fact that I couldn't envision being the sterotypical Married Guy it felt right. At the time, I was still two-plankin' and my spouse had snowboarded for one holiday weekend. Plenty of other common interests, mostly outdorr things, at the time though.

I just can't envision being in a long term relationship where I wouldn't be friends with the person anyway even if there was no romantic attraction. Like I said, frequent rolls in the hay are a great thing, but that alone is not enough to sustain a relationship past the initial bliss stage.

[Michelle]

Anyways, DrD is totally right, women can rule the world and, for the most part, all they have to do is "just go with the flow."

I think there's a lot more to it than that. Many times I have just "gone with the flow" and ended up being lied to and decieved. You can't walk around with blinders on, but you also can't control everything either. It's shouldn't be about power - who has it and who doesn't. It should be an equal mix, where power is not even an issue. Who cares? As long as both parties are happy and no one is getting abused.

Being on the other end of an abusive relationship, I wish your friend luck. It's not easy to get out, even though as an outsider you want to just make her wake up and see what you do. She will have to realize it herself, but knowing that she is not alone and seeing HEALTHY relationships work will be her strength.

[Gleb]

I didn't set a time for myself to be married. It will happen when it happens.

I never meant that a relationship should be a power struggle. I meant to say that when it becomes one, it never turns out well.

One thing i don't understand about the girl is that for one thing, she is absolutly drop dead gorgeous. Second, she is working her ass off in school and is defintly going to have an amazing career when she gets out. I've never seen the guy, but her room mates say that he isn't anything special, not in college and doesnt have a job or is he looking for one. At the age of 23, he has no ambition and just lives with his parents and goes to clubs. He won't let her go out unless he is with her, and he never wants to go anywhere except clubs. She isn't a club goer at all. He controls what she wears and most aspects of her life...over the phone. I never understood how you can get a relationship to go that way, but I guess it happens. The scarey thing is, it happens often. She is one of 2 people I know that are going through something like this right now, and a bunch of my friends said that they have had boyfriends attempt the same stuff.

I hope her roommates get help for her as soon as possible because she needs it. Not much that I personally can do unfortuantly because I don't know her well.

[Michelle]

It is unfortunate. Also, doesn't matter who the girl is, how pretty, how smart - it can happen to anyone and yes, all too often. I always said "If some guy ever tried that with me blah blah blah" until you are In it, Full on, and you can't get out. The worst part is when you do realize it, most of the time the person is waaaayy to scared to get out, becuase the other person is probably becoming scared and threatning.


One thing I have learned from that relationship - never judge other people situations. you have no idea how you would react, or when you will be there.

[skatha]

Being drop dead gorgeous and believing you are drop dead gorgeous are 2 different things. Many women have zero self-esteem and will stay with an a-hole because they think it's the best they can do....
Also, I've heard, since I'm not a guy I can't speak with complete authority on this, but guys quickly figure out if a girl is worth a long term relationship or not...some guys are noble and end a relationship, some guys are players and manipulate the girls that ultimately won't make the cut, and some guys will settle for an abusive relationship because of the same reason a girl would.
I have always believed that guys will "fall" harder and faster than girls...

My brother was in a relationship with a girl we found out later would hit him...it was awful and hard to understand at the time, but he had some self-esteem issues, too...he actually went to therapy for a while..
Now he's married to a very special person and we love her alot...but he dated her for a good 5 years before he popped the question...

If I were going to start making snowboards, my only unique spec would that they'd be noodle-proof. I cannot explain the feeling of feeling"okay, I'm going to rock back on my heels, back more than front, to slow up a bit" and watch my board bend backward and me flip over the rear of the board on my arm I had up and out for balance.....

[skipuppy]

Re: abusive relationships

From personal and second hand experience within both sexes, I've found that abusive relationships actually tend to offer something that many other relationships don't offer. If she is georgious and smart, she probably could get anyone she wants .. but that would be boring. It is the whole chasing aspect: for many people a lot of the fun comes in the chase, in seeking approval (please note that these generalizations are not in any way supposed to be applied universally). It is a challenge to be with someone who withholds that affection from you.

I am not saying that this is healthy or good in any way, but this is how many of those relationships are allowed to get started. She DOES need to figure it out herself though. If she doesn't she will continue to stay in the same circle. I am also not saying that this is the case with the girl Gleb knows, but I am saying that the whole challenge aspect has been prevalent in my friends' abusive relationships as well as mine. You just have to realize that while it is a challenge, it isn't the healthy kind and there are other kinds of challenges that do come up in healthy relationships that aren't abusive. It is a lot more difficult than it seems.

Again, those aren't meant to be population generalizations and applied universally, they are just what my friends and I have experienced and how we have analyzed the situation in psychological contexts (with and without shrinks).

[Michelle]

Re: abusive relationships
I've found that abusive relationships actually tend to offer something that many other relationships don't offer.

Yes, INSANITY

[skatha]

I just never was "in that place" emotionally-I looked for good times, good company and good lovin' in my relationships, "excitement" was never in the picture....

My brother's abusive girlfriend April went to LSU and was originally from Kiln, MS-she also dated Bret Favre at one time....hmmmmm....


could Bret be having a hard time retiring because he's looking for "excitement"?

[Michelle]

I just never was "in that place" emotionally-I looked for good times, good company and good lovin' in my relationships, "excitement" was never in the picture....

"Excitement" yes. Abuse should never be in the picture. I can promise, you never go looking for it, but somehow it can find you. Consider yourself lucky to never have to know what it is like to be on the receiving end of it. It ain't fun.

[skatha]

"Excitement" yes. Abuse should never be in the picture. I can promise, you never go looking for it, but somehow it can find you. Consider yourself lucky to never have to know what it is like to be on the receiving end of it. It ain't fun.

I got punched in the arm once-the guy acted like I freaked on him when I got mad.....
That was the end of that relationship, just as well, he mistook having a big **** for foreplay......

[Gleb]

wow this is deep. I also know that the more you try to help a person, the more resistant they are to accepting the help, in a way. I hope she realizes that she needs to get out soon because she is missing out on the college experience. I was told she used to party every chance she had and then he came along and she isolated herself from everyone she knew.


I never really considered about abuse being part of "the chase" that makes sense though.

One thing I forgot to mention is that she might think his control over her is cultural. He came from Russia a few years ago and she might think thats how things are over there. Defintly not true, especially in my family. My dad, like myself is pretty passive and my parents' relationship, and the relationship of my friends' parents is not about control at all.

[Michelle]

I also know that the more you try to help a person, the more resistant they are to accepting the help, in a way. .

True. They have to realize it on their own. And they may resent the people trying to help.

I hope she realizes that she needs to get out soon because she is missing out on the college experience. I was told she used to party every chance she had and then he came along and she isolated herself from everyone she knew.

She's missing LIFE, not just college. Isolation is a common trait of abusers - it's their way of controlling the person so they have no outside influence.

[Gleb]

She's missing LIFE, not just college. Isolation is a common trait of abusers - it's their way of controlling the person so they have no outside influence.

Well for now, life is college life
College life will be soooo much better when I finally move out of the dorms away from the anal rules.

I was just told that she actually admits that she is in a bad relationship, but "she loves him." Her room mates here him saying things like, don't listen to anyone, they're only trying to pry us apart.

edit: He also has one of the ultimate forms of control on her. He pays for her cell phone (dunno how) so he has a log of all the calls. bad idea. Probably one of the oldest tricks in the book.

[kjl]

He also has one of the ultimate forms of control on her. He pays for her cell phone (dunno how) so he has a log of all the calls. bad idea. Probably one of the oldest tricks in the book.

Oldest tricks in the book? Hah, you youngsters. Cel phones have only been around for ~20 years. By the way, popping popcorn used to take more than 2 minutes, and involved pans and oil, or special hot air blowers. Also, the entire world used to be black and white before they invented colors.

[Gleb]

Oldest tricks in the book? Hah, you youngsters. Cel phones have only been around for ~20 years. By the way, popping popcorn used to take more than 2 minutes, and involved pans and oil, or special hot air blowers. Also, the entire world used to be black and white before they invented colors.

WHAT!!! how did you call other people? I heard about this popcorn in more than 2 minutes but thats only if you put the microwave on low. Why would you microwave oil with a hair dryer? Thats dangerous, you know. I'm glad the world finally gained some pigments. Hi-definition must've been really weird in only black and white.

[kjl]

Well, they used to use "towels" to dry hair. When people started to use their popcorn hot-air blowers to dry hair, they needed to invent microwave ovens to pop the popcorn.

Black and white wasn't so bad. It got much worse for a while with only magenta, cyan, white, and black with CGA for a few years, but thankfully they got the world up to millions of colors and things are OK to look at again.

[Gleb]

I remeber some games that ran on 265 colors and used to huge floppy disks. Lets see, Golden Axe, some formula one game and my official first video game was....COSMO!!!! wow i miss that game :-\

[Joe D]

Anyways, DrD is totally right, women can rule the world and, for the most part, all they have to do is "just go with the flow."

Yup, women tend to have the 'benefit of the doubt'
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/por/148868739.html

just stirring the pot...

[Gleb]

Yup, women tend to have the 'benefit of the doubt'
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/por/148868739.html

just stirring the pot...

there is no way thats real.

wow, thats great.

I forgot to mention the "benifit of the doubt" issue. As long as there are no witnesses, a woman can say a man touched her or tried to rape her and she could easily get away with it.

keep stirring...

[Dave Pushee]

Oldest tricks in the book? Hah, you youngsters. Cel phones have only been around for ~20 years. By the way, popping popcorn used to take more than 2 minutes, and involved pans and oil, or special hot air blowers. Also, the entire world used to be black and white before they invented colors.

Kids! Anyone who is mature knows that popping popcorn can only be done properly with a long handled wire mesh box held over hot embers in a fireplace.

[Sinecure]

Kids! Anyone who is mature knows that popping popcorn can only be done properly with a long handled wire mesh box held over hot embers in a fireplace.

Heh. We had one of those.

Last year I took my kids camping. You should have seen how excited they were about this new invention called Jiffy Pop!