Pat Donnelly
April 1st, 2005, 07:37 AM
April 1st
From Aspen Daily Planet . . .
Reacting to news that Aspen was switching its police cars to Volvos, Vail officials said they were switching their police cars from Volvos to Lexuses.
"Vail is better than Aspen," said Vail Police Chief Dwight Herringbone. "So we have to drive better cars."
After hearing about Vail's announcement, Aspen officials said they were switching their police cars to BMWs.
"It really doesn't have anything to do with Vail getting Lexuses or anything," said Aspen Assistant Police Chief Loren Ryerson. "It was just about the cars. Really."
Vail responded to the news by ordering a fleet of Mercedes outfitted with flashing blue lights.
"Mercedes are better cars than BMWs," Herringbone said. "So we got some Mercedes."
Aspen reacted by ordering a fleet of Jaguars.
"After an environmental audit, we found that Jaguars are more environmentally sound than BMWs," Ryerson said. "Really. I mean that. And, uh, I think they're more suited to our mountain driving conditions. Or something like that."
The news sent Vail officials into a tailspin.
"Buy up a bunch of Porsches," ordered Vail Mayor Rod Slipper. "Now! I don't care how much it costs."
Later, Aspen announced that it was instead outfitting its police with Maseratis.
"A team of consultants found that Maseratis are better suited to the high speeds Aspen police may have to drive," said Aspen Mayor Helen Kindarud. "I haven't heard what Vail's doing. Have you? Not that I care."
Vail officials responded by ordering Lamborghinis for their police, fire, ambulance and public works departments.
"Beat that, you lefty Aspen snooty-snoots," Slipper said.
Aspen officials said they never intended to set off a battle with Vail.
"They can drive whatever they want," Klanderud said. "We've decided that land vehicles don't really suit the 21st century challenges our peace officers face, anyway."
Aspen officials announced that instead, they were contracting with billionaire Paul Allen, the Microsoft co-founder who funded the SpaceShipOne rocket plane, to develop a fleet of reusable rockets.
"They're recyclable," Klanderud said, "and Aspen is very in favor of recycling."
Vail officials were reportedly in an executive session with billionaire Jeff Bezos, the amazon.com planning to build a commercial spaceport, and couldn't be reached for comment.
From Aspen Daily Planet . . .
Reacting to news that Aspen was switching its police cars to Volvos, Vail officials said they were switching their police cars from Volvos to Lexuses.
"Vail is better than Aspen," said Vail Police Chief Dwight Herringbone. "So we have to drive better cars."
After hearing about Vail's announcement, Aspen officials said they were switching their police cars to BMWs.
"It really doesn't have anything to do with Vail getting Lexuses or anything," said Aspen Assistant Police Chief Loren Ryerson. "It was just about the cars. Really."
Vail responded to the news by ordering a fleet of Mercedes outfitted with flashing blue lights.
"Mercedes are better cars than BMWs," Herringbone said. "So we got some Mercedes."
Aspen reacted by ordering a fleet of Jaguars.
"After an environmental audit, we found that Jaguars are more environmentally sound than BMWs," Ryerson said. "Really. I mean that. And, uh, I think they're more suited to our mountain driving conditions. Or something like that."
The news sent Vail officials into a tailspin.
"Buy up a bunch of Porsches," ordered Vail Mayor Rod Slipper. "Now! I don't care how much it costs."
Later, Aspen announced that it was instead outfitting its police with Maseratis.
"A team of consultants found that Maseratis are better suited to the high speeds Aspen police may have to drive," said Aspen Mayor Helen Kindarud. "I haven't heard what Vail's doing. Have you? Not that I care."
Vail officials responded by ordering Lamborghinis for their police, fire, ambulance and public works departments.
"Beat that, you lefty Aspen snooty-snoots," Slipper said.
Aspen officials said they never intended to set off a battle with Vail.
"They can drive whatever they want," Klanderud said. "We've decided that land vehicles don't really suit the 21st century challenges our peace officers face, anyway."
Aspen officials announced that instead, they were contracting with billionaire Paul Allen, the Microsoft co-founder who funded the SpaceShipOne rocket plane, to develop a fleet of reusable rockets.
"They're recyclable," Klanderud said, "and Aspen is very in favor of recycling."
Vail officials were reportedly in an executive session with billionaire Jeff Bezos, the amazon.com planning to build a commercial spaceport, and couldn't be reached for comment.