Mountain Personalities 101

[Erik J]

So I’ve read a thread here and there on the different personalities that people have encountered on the mountain. How about a few definitions to help us relate to our surroundings. Please add your favorite personality.


The Know-it-all –

Can be heard for miles, usually wakes bears from hibernation with his constant yammering about the finer points of the newest wax or the latest equipment. Has advice for everyone, since he’s an expert on everything. Can be found most often in the lodge because his feet hurt.


The Black Hole –

“you can’t do that on a ski” or “no way is that designed for that purpose” or “those aren’t meant for bumps” or “that’s not supposed to be that way”. In other words “I don’t know how to ride so neither do you”. All knowledge on snow sports is attained through the internet. Can be found snowplowing / side-slipping next to the towrope with the look of sheer death in his eyes. Another telltale sign is the head shaking “no”……at everything.


The Tram Farter –

A little overweight, old faded clothing, probably bearded. Ate a whole can of beans last night for dinner. Just ripped a hole in the space-time continuum with his ass. Hard to keep track of because your eyes are turning to stone and your ears actually hurt from the smell. Seems to be completely unaware of his stench or the fact that his pants are on the verge of melting. Every time he bends over, turns, blinks or breaths he emits gas. He is solely responsible for the warming of the earth.


The Snow Bunny –

Pants - $950
Sunglasses - $1800
Jacket - $11,000
Gloves - $600
Boots – whatever the prettiest one is
Skis – as long as they match the boots
Extra shiny stuff – dollar value equal to the US deficit
Knowing how to ski or ride – yeah, right
Can be found easily as she is never actually seen in motion but somehow makes one run before taking up 6 chairs at the base lodge on the sundeck. Her cell phone rings in a never-ending array of ring tones. The only time she will be seen moving is when her overworked husband picks her up at midnight in his $200,000 BMW.


The Zen Rider-

Awakens to Tibetan chimes at 3:33 AM to do 2 hours of meditation, a mindful breakfast of a single tealeaf, 45 minutes of touching the nose to toes by bending backwards. Cannot be found because of highly camouflaged earth-toned clothing, unless it’s spring, then the tie-dye comes out. Can be heard by the faint sound of chimes as his soul departs the earth in search of cosmic meaning while his empty body drifts down along the slopes.


Drunken Joey-

Wearing jeans, a jacket with a professional sports team logo somewhere, enough cologne to make him weigh an extra 15 pounds – too bad it doesn’t cover up the stench of cheap booze from the night before. Can be seen inexplicably traveling at the speed of light with jacket open, arms outstretched, mouth gaping wide. If you put this guy in a downhill competition he would win somehow, although stopping would be performed with the aid of the base lodge or a large parked truck. His rental bindings are kept so loose that the pressure of one’s eyesight could knock them off.


The I-just-want-to-fit-in Guy-

New pants, new jacket, new ipod, new sunglasses, whatever board and boots the shop guy told him to get – he has. Has at least one gadget on him that performs multiple functions such as a watch/GPS/personal organizer/weather station that he doesn’t know how to use. There’s just something not right about this package as none of the clothes match even though he tried so hard to make himself look cool. Can be seen with his head spinning wildly, trying to figure out where he fits in-who’s watching him-who looks cooler than him. Answers –nobody and everyone. It’s over dude, try to have some fun.


Tough Guy-

Wears a sideways upside down sun-visor, gold chains, white ribbed tank-top, chain wallet, tattoos exposed, pants so big that they could double as a rain cover for an RV - this outfit never varies even if it’s 5 deg F. Hockey stops like nobodies business. Every uttered word is accompanied with the word F&%K. These words are barely audible though because of the tongue ring.


The 1800-

Learned to ski when skis were the only mode of transportation. Has never taken a lesson – they didn’t have those “back in my day” (i.e. the last Ice Age) Rides skis that are longer and heavier than your car and is still better than you. Can kick your ass. Smiles all the time because A) He’s fought in every war since Roman rule and is happy he can’t be drafted anymore – all he wanted to do was ski in the first place B) His dentures are too big so his face would stay like that anyway.

He still hasn’t heard of snowboarding.


The Real Athlete-

Rides a sit-ski and rips harder than everyone on the mountain. Has arms that could crush rocks into sand. Smiles constantly while you’re bitching about the lift line taking an extra 4.52 seconds. Inspires everyone and everything around him.

-As your lazy ass drags both of your working legs to your car that you’re whining “is parked sooooo far away”, go ahead and hang your head in shame you ungrateful pig.


The Pretty Boy Snob-

Flew in on his new helicopter. His hair and skin gleam so much that the sun has to squint back. Skis are handmade by a guru high in the Alps that has been enslaved to work for Pretty Boy. He has them waxed by only the best World Cup tuner. The base of these skis have never touched snow. Doesn’t feel like skiing today because the conditions are “below him”. He has never actually skied. Feels snowboarders are peasant-like. No one has ever heard him finish a complete sentence not because he can’t speak (he never shuts up about himself) but because everyone tunes him out within 3 seconds of him opening his mouth.


The Family Virus

18 kids in tow, Bloodshot bug-eyes that look like they have never seen a night of sleep. Trying desperately to make one turn before the end of time. Boots are unbuckled, pant legs half unzipped, missing one glove, goggles hanging off the back of his helmet because he’s too busy keeping track of an ocean of children in different colored helmets (how else to tell them apart). The slope around him looks like a pool table with its swarm of multicolored helmets. Two or three of the kids are stuck in a snowdrift somewhere and are never noticed missing. Ski patrol brings them back at the end of the day.

The word condom has never been processed by this person’s brain.


The Next Pro-

Stays in the park all day. At night sleeps in a tent in the park. Eats only snow from the park. Pees in the park to mark the good hits in the pipe. Sends others out to dispose of fecal matter and retrieve real food when his organs begin to fail. If injured, he would rather be amputated in the park by ski patrol than leave and save the limb in a hospital. Will be cremated by a bonfire made inside the park when he dies, ashes will be buried off to the side so as not to disturb the good hits.


The Deer Hunter-

Travel in pairs just like hunting buddies. Carhart overalls, orange Elmer Fud cap on one, full camo ski mask on the other. Usually even tempered and nice but really scary to talk to – since you’re never quite sure whether or not he’s baiting you to be killed and eaten. Or maybe the only person he’s spoken to besides his hunting buddy next to him in the past 12 years is you. Has a laugh that could kill a goat.


The Crusty Loaf of Burnt Toast-

Weighs 23 pounds, smells like petuli oil, hasn’t bathed since….ever. This species does not ski, they are only found on snowboards. Boards are covered with dancing bears and stickers of green leafy things that say legalize it. Everyone wishes this person would wear a belt….when bent over to strap in the skeletal ass is revealed. Females and males look exactly alike. Can be destroyed by mentioning the word “meat”


The Quiet Girl-

Doesn’t say much on the lift. Can’t really see that “it’s” a “her”, except for the ponytail. Keeps her face tucked down behind her jacket collar. Dear God how did she make it down that double black diamond chute with the 20’ drop-in so fast. You will only ever see her once.


The Ski clown-

Wants to make everyone’s day “super fun and wacky” on the slope – but staying true to reverse psychology – everyone really wants to kill him.


The Idiot Savant Rider -

He drops, steps on, trips over, stumbles into anything in his way – including the air around him. Can’t quite finish an intelligent sentence. Has minimal input within the society around him. He puts on his equipment and has all the skill and grace of an Olympic athlete. Even mistakes made on snow are impressive and respectable. Takes off his ski/snowboard for lunch, trips in the cafeteria line by the hot dog warmer, starts a fire that burns down the base lodge. He’d run away but he can’t, that would only cause further damage. Ask him why this is and you will only get a shrug.

[tex1230]

very good...I fall firmly in the "idiot savant rider" category

[D-Sub]

heh. tried to think of more but that list covers it pretty darn well.

BUT...whats a good name for the guy who blabs ALL NIGHT at the party about the misty flips and 1080s hes gonna bust off the gap or the 100' nose presses he can do, only to wake up and be unable to manage much more than the falling leaf or 6" off air-to-ass in the kiddie park?

[tex1230]

heh. tried to think of more but that list covers it pretty darn well.

BUT...whats a good name for the guy who blabs ALL NIGHT at the party about the misty flips and 1080s hes gonna bust off the gap or the 100' nose presses he can do, only to wake up and be unable to manage much more than the falling leaf or 6" off air-to-ass in the kiddie park?
I know that guy....
I think he used to post here.

[John E]

Last Sunday at Loveland 8:30 AM. Waiting at the base of a lift for another rider. About 6" new overnight. A 20 something skier and his buddy had just made 1st tracks on run adjacent to the lift.

He kept saying over and over again (loud enough for all to hear) "Oh my goodness, that was so SWEET!". "Give me high five" "That was soooo sweet" "Oh my goodness" "Give me high five again" and on and on and on...

I wanted to go over and slap him and say "If it was so great, what are you doing standing around here - go do it again" or "It's just skiing".

Really annoying.

[Gleb]

well done!

[Erik J]

heh. tried to think of more but that list covers it pretty darn well.

BUT...whats a good name for the guy who blabs ALL NIGHT at the party about the misty flips and 1080s hes gonna bust off the gap or the 100' nose presses he can do, only to wake up and be unable to manage much more than the falling leaf or 6" off air-to-ass in the kiddie park?

That's the "Speak Loudly but Carry a Small D!ck" guy,

As opposed to the "Speak Softly but Rules His Stick" guy -

This person simply smiles and nods while most of the other mountain personalities blab his ear off on the lift ride up about technique, new fads, etc. Once exiting the lift area, this gentelmen silently schools everyone he rides with, with quiet confidence - leaving all other riders breathless and wondering if they need to switch waxes or change their egde bevels. Years of exposure to the other "lesser" forms of mountain life, which try to bring him down with their own negativity simply make him smile and punish them further by riding faster and harder with each consecutive run. The "lesser" forms begin to retreat and tell stories in the lodge about their conquest of the day - see "Speak Loudly but Carry a Small D!ck" guy

[bjvircks]

I was going to ask the quiet girl to marry me but I turned around... and she was GONE.

[provocyclist]

As opposed to the "Speak Softly but Rules His Stick" guy -

This person simply smiles and nods while most of the other mountain personalities blab his ear off on the lift ride up about technique, new fads, etc. Once exiting the lift area, this gentelmen silently schools everyone he rides with, with quiet confidence - leaving all other riders breathless and wondering if they need to switch waxes or change their egde bevels. Years of exposure to the other "lesser" forms of mountain life, which try to bring him down with their own negativity simply make him smile and punish them further by riding faster and harder with each consecutive run. The "lesser" forms begin to retreat and tell stories in the lodge about their conquest of the day - see "Speak Loudly but Carry a Small D!ck" guy

This is me on skis (heresy i know, im a hardboot n00b/forum lurker). Put me on my board tho, and i look like im having seisures or challenged intellectually, but i'm having a good, so nyah!:p

[pebu]

I love the quiet girl. Why does she have to be so elusive? I guess part of the reason I love her is her very skills that make her so elusive...:1luvu:

I'd have to say I'm a touch of the black hole, a touch of the idiot savant, with just a HINT of the i-just-want-to-fit-in guy and zen rider. Does that make me a bad person?

[sandarapark]

all my knowledge is learned from the internet...

does this make me "Black Hole"?:o

[Pow]

I guess id have to go with idiot savant rider... minus the olympic athelete grace:o But I am working on it!

[Erik J]

Ok here's a few more -

The Slope Nazi-
Joined the local Mountain Ambassador program - not to welcome the melting pot of personalities around him, but to control his environment with a Hitler-like reign of authority. A fate worse than death for him is not following the rules. If he sees you duck a rope – he will never sleep a day in his life again until he catches you and reads you the Riders Responsibility Code (he has it memorized in 7 languages). Can be found standing guard by big orange “SLOW” signs at the bottom of the mountain. There are a few ways to destroy this creature – one very effective way is to carve a 360 around him, or ride by faster than 6 MPH, or turn near him in a strange manner, or wear a color he doesn’t like, or look at him. Any of these activities will cause his heart to explode inside his chest. For extra points, jib off his dead body on your next run.<O:p

The Mountaineer-<O:p

Staps on a backpack large enough to carry his family everywhere he goes. Inside this pack are books on the history of the world, a whole roast turkey, his mom, tuning equipment such as waxing irons, edge bevel holders in every angle made, food that has decomposed and come back to life, reproduced and then become extinct again, old tax tables, calculators, extra clothes, boots, and an outdoor shower, power tools a hatchet and whatever else is available to stuff in there. This persons car is a 3-minute walk away. This person usually has legs the thickness of #2 pencils and sweats uncontrollably on the walk to the lift. Under no circumstances should you ever ride with this person in the woods or backcountry. Two things will happen if you do – you will leave them there to die – or you will try to help them in which case you will both die (but not before dining on that fine roast turkey in his pack).


The I’m OK You’re OK guy-

Wants harmony on the slopes more than he values his own life. Will try to make The Slope Nazi, The Snow Bunny, Drunken Joey, Tough Guy, The Pretty Boy Snob, The Deer Hunter & The Ski clown all have a nice time together. Even the Ski Clown will participate in beating him to death.

[Neil Gendzwill]

I love the quiet girl. Why does she have to be so elusive? I guess part of the reason I love her is her very skills that make her so elusive...Sometimes she makes it big and her name is Victoria...

[k2slopesurfer]

quiet girl.

sorry i disappeared guys, just looking for my next line;)

[pebu]

My brothers girlfriend is a variation of the quiet girl. She just learned to ski this year, but she keeps up with the big boys pretty good. It's almost scary. But the quiet part comes in when she never talks unless you ask her if she's having fun and she smiles and emphatically nods her head....:eplus2:

[Paulk]

This was great on a friday afternoon...Scary that I can place myself in so many different groups over the years as I grow older. Like to think I struck a balance by now.

[Dan]

Here's one:

The Local:

-Greets lift ops and ski patrollers by name, usually followed by a question about where/with whom they'll be drinking that night. Clothing is beat to hell and gone and might include off-beat additions like leather work gloves, but boots and board(s) are high-end and recently tuned. The Local can be depended upon to ride every powder day, and beyond that, shows up at odd hours, arriving at 10:30 a.m. and leaving at 1 one day, then staying the whole following day after a freakish wind storm clears the mountain. Knows every run by name, has started to make up names for specific lines, and knows the terrain so well he could ski it blindfolded. The Local wonders what everyone else is doing on his mountain, and why they only seem to make it up once or twice a week.

[Bamboo_Girl]

One day I'll be the "next pro". One day....:nono:

[Erik J]

Here's one:

The Local:

-Greets lift ops and ski patrollers by name, usually followed by a question about where/with whom they'll be drinking that night. Clothing is beat to hell and gone and might include off-beat additions like leather work gloves, but boots and board(s) are high-end and recently tuned. The Local can be depended upon to ride every powder day, and beyond that, shows up at odd hours, arriving at 10:30 a.m. and leaving at 1 one day, then staying the whole following day after a freakish wind storm clears the mountain. Knows every run by name, has started to make up names for specific lines, and knows the terrain so well he could ski it blindfolded. The Local wonders what everyone else is doing on his mountain, and why they only seem to make it up once or twice a week.

Nice one!!!!! Keep em coming.

What's up Paul? Hope you had a great season. See you in Stowe(?) next year.

Here's a few more...

Extremely Extreme to the Extreme Guy-

If only they would build a Thule rack to carry his mountain bike, road bike, downhill bike, kayak, river boat, freeride board, alpine board, park board, tele skis, cross country skis, downhill skis, powder skis, kite setup, unicycle, parachute, rock climbing gear, ice climbing gear, scuba diving equipment, hiking boots, trail shoes, running shoes, ultralite, hang-glider, dirt bike, go-cart, surfboard, BMX bike and bungee jumping setup – THEN he could really push it to the maximum ultimate extreme level.

Women generally run like hell when they see his “Ark of Gear” coming. The ones that don’t run are drunk and believe they can “train” him.


The Spandex Cougar-

Rich beyond your wildest dreams, older than the earth itself. Able to tickle your gag reflex with a single glance. She promises you the world – cars, exotic vacations, and a sponge bath. All of that seems to pale at the site of a saggy 75 yr old in spandex…..is she wearing a diaper?


The Exotique Guy-

Always between trips to places like Nepal, Bali, Antarctica, Guam, Norway, Morocco. Makes others daydream about what it’s like to be worldly with stories such as the time he was caught in a blizzard and slept in a cave with a naked yogi while bonding with yaks in Tibet. Is never really where he is because it’s not where he’s at, it’s where he’s going the trip after the next one that really counts.


The Trust Funder-

Drives next years Land Rover barefoot and never has money for gas. Dreadlocks, ripped pants, one house in Fiji, another in Aspen. Is known for lines like – “hey man, can I borrow 20 bucks for a triple mocha latte machiatto with an olive, I really need it”. For some reason girls love him even though he hasn’t showered in a week – and it eats you alive inside.


The Raging Lush-

His ski pole handles hold booze, a beer in every pocket; he took apart his boot warmers and GPS to fit them with flasks for booze. His granola bar is actually a plastic flask. Will not under any circumstances venture to a resort that doesn’t have a bar. No one is really sure why he comes to the mountain in the first place. NEVER smoke around this person or you run the risk of igniting an explosion.


The Raw Deal Guy-

Has never paid for a pass….not once. Will drive 1450 miles to the mountain that has Jeep free days rather than visit the one that’s 20 minutes away (he will steal a Jeep on the way there). Will haggle over one penny with the cafeteria folks. If a dollar is seen on the ground, don’t even look at it when he’s around – he will kill you for it. Wears $900 custom fitted boots.

[NateW]

I met quiet girl several seasons ago. We talked a little. Saw her going big later.
I still regret not asking for her phone number.
No second chances, huh?

:(

[dano]

Yup, quiet girl is both hypnotic and attractive. I met one at a shared ski house and ended up married to her.

The key to picking up Quiet Girl is to seemingly ignore her but stay close. Try to figure out her needs and wordlessly provide for them. Big points for helping her remove her tiny boots and applying foot rubs. ( moving up her perfectly toned jammy-clad calves ) Watch how jealous the other chickies nearby get!

Beware, though, don't talk technique or equipment...they roll their eyes and get violently bored. In fact don't talk at all. STFU. Just relax and enjoy the lack of drama.

Don't be fooled by the loose boyish clothes. She is hiding a smoking body under there.

Good Luck!

[Helmut Karvlow]

Eric, did all the snow melt?........ way too much time on your hands.
What about the guy who spends all day adjusting the bindings for the ever changing conditions. and drinks every one under the table at night? :rolleyes:
Tinker-lush?

[Erik J]

Johann-
A buddy of mine (WVHS alumnus) coined a moniker for this type back in the '90s:

"Trustafarian"

I like that. I used to know a trustafarian.

My brother used to ride in the Tahoe area with a girl that skiied with a prosthetic leg. Apparently she used to rule every slope - jumps, bumps, carving, powder. He said she was loads of fun, a little quiet but when she was on skis she was a viking goddess that put everyone else to shame.

[Erik J]

Eric, did all the snow melt?........ way too much time on your hands.
What about the guy who spends all day adjusting the bindings for the ever changing conditions. and drinks every one under the table at night? :rolleyes:
Tinker-lush?

Yeah, all my snow melted. The local hill closed last weekend. I haven't put my stuff away yet hoping I can get another couple of days in. This change of seasons sure feels nice though. Spring fever's got me - I'm cleaning everything, even myself. I'll see you in Stowe(?) next season. I'll bring some real food next time though.


Tinker-lush-
Does not consume solid food. Lives solely on alcohol, much like top fuel dragsters. Needs a lot of sleep, but when he wakes, lock your doors. Like the top fuel dragster which needs to be pushed and towed into a functional position, once the alcohol ignites in his system, all bodily functions move in a frantic uncontrollable manner, often uttering strange words and sounds. This state also leads to confusion of the creatures binding angles and cants as he can be found in a catatonic state on the sides of trails, staring fiercely at his feet. Flatulence is common. Is often asked to leave public areas that involve booze. There is only one known tinker-lush alive. The others were killed and eaten as the only source of solid food that tinker-lush consumes.

Most of the worlds major religions fear tinker-lush. There is a small sect of the Druids in Europe that sacrifice kittens to his name so he doesn't come visit them. Apparently they ran out of kittens this year. see -http://www.bomberonline.com/VBulletin/showthread.php?t=15202

[Shred Gruumer]

Soo who am I...??? hmmm I didn't tinker once this morning!! maybe cause I was still sleeping..

good runs on from 8 to about 11am.. then its a slush bump fest!!

What about Ego Steep Carver.. or Ganjala rider! -smokes enough pot in the ganjala to make everyone on the hill high!!


Is it Beer thirty yet?

[Shred Gruumer]

Now match the photo with the personality!!! :lurk:

[Shred Gruumer]

What is this one?

[Dave*]

The Soft Booted Park Monkey ( Jibberus Reservus Primatus)

Natural habitat is the ski hill terrain parks and half pipes world wide, western canadian sub species is sometimes found clustered in arboreal terrain inhaling the burnt leaf of Canabis Sativa plant, theorized to be the cause of the mass confusion and often deleterious actions of the park monkey species.

The cry of the Soft Booted Park Monkey can often be heard while riding the chair lifts near the natural habitat of the park monkey, the usual cry sounds like a high pitch " duuude" " sick" or "sweeeet", this is often uttered while the park monkey sits in packs in the terrain park.

The male of the species is easily identified by his mating plumage consisting of lowriding pants exposing boxer shorts and for the elder male "silver backs" of breeding age buttock crevice will also be shown, leading scientists believe this indicates a direct lineage to the male Mandrill Baboons bright red buttocks. Social heirarchy amongst the alpha males is determined largely by how low the pants ride without falling off. The Burton encyclopedia of snowboarding has dubbed this phenomenon "the steeze". This mating plumage has developed an interesting evolutionary step in the locomotion of the Park Monkey with a very distinct wide duck footed stance as a method of keeping the pants from falling around the ankles not for any performance enhancement. The distinct behavior of the park monkey sitting on the slopes for large periods of time is to enhance buttock redness to be exposed while jumping and spinning from terrain park features to impress the female park monkeys.

The much rarer and more demure female Park Monkey does not have to compete for a mating partner therefore does not usually posture with the lowriding pants unless in the very rare instance of more females than males,


Reprinted from The Canadian Field Guide of Park Monkeys

[Dr D]

The Soft Booted Park Monkey ( Jibberus Reservus Primatus)

Natural habitat is the ski hill terrain parks and half pipes world wide, western canadian sub species is sometimes found clustered in arboreal terrain inhaling the burnt leaf of Canabis Sativa plant, theorized to be the cause of the mass confusion and often deleterious actions of the park monkey species.

The cry of the Soft Booted Park Monkey can often be heard while riding the chair lifts near the natural habitat of the park monkey, the usual cry sounds like a high pitch " duuude" " sick" or "sweeeet", this is often uttered while the park monkey sits in packs in the terrain park.

The male of the species is easily identified by his mating plumage consisting of lowriding pants exposing boxer shorts and for the elder male "silver backs" of breeding age buttock crevice will also be shown, leading scientists believe this indicates a direct lineage to the male Mandrill Baboons bright red buttocks. Social heirarchy amongst the alpha males is determined largely by how low the pants ride without falling off. The Burton encyclopedia of snowboarding has dubbed this phenomenon "the steeze". This mating plumage has developed an interesting evolutionary step in the locomotion of the Park Monkey with a very distinct wide duck footed stance as a method of keeping the pants from falling around the ankles not for any performance enhancement. The distinct behavior of the park monkey sitting on the slopes for large periods of time is to enhance buttock redness to be exposed while jumping and spinning from terrain park features to impress the female park monkeys.

The much rarer and more demure female Park Monkey does not have to compete for a mating partner therefore does not usually posture with the lowriding pants unless in the very rare instance of more females than males,


Reprinted from The Canadian Field Guide of Park Monkeys

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
OUTSTANDING

[Helmut Karvlow]

See ya next season for sure, unless the madd-tinker-lush catches up with me. :eek:
He may be on-the-chip with my post.

Park monkeys????? your killing me...........stop...it hurts to laugh any more.

[Dave*]

The Hardbooted Carver ( Ridgidius Carvelowerasaur )


The once plentiful and magestic Hardboot Carver is currently on the worlds endangered list.

Natural habitat is primarily the wide open plains of corduroy in the early morning. The hardbooted Carver lives in a symbiotic relationship with a lumbering beast called the Snowcat (Groomerus Slopus). The hardbooted Carver will closely follow the migratory pathways of the Snowcat picking at the freshly turned and smoothed snow for sustenance. Sadly this habitat is encroached upon by the plentiful Recreational Skier ( Twoplanker Wankerus) and the Soft Booted Park Monkey ( Jibberus Reservus Primatus).

In the fierce competition for mating rights with the even rarer female of the species a curious mating ritual has evolved in which the male Carver will demonstrate a series of low carved turns skimming the body along the corduroy in a desperate attempt to impress the females , most success is found if performed beside chairlifts. As female Hardboot Carvers are almost extinct the wiley male Carver will often resort to interspecies breeding, the offspring likely becoming the rare variant of omnivourous and versatile Offpiste Hardbooter ( Dave*Originalus).

It is theorized that the current Hardbooted Carver evolved from the once plentiful Simsburnerasaurs whos numbers were in decline due to broken tails and the more common and hardy Factoryprimasaurus. A giant meteor struck the earth causing a vast cloud of white powder which killed off the Simsburnerasaurs and most of the Factoryprimesaurs leading to ascendancy of the primitive mammalian Jibberus Parkmonkeyus. That which remained evolved into several regional subspecies , in the west the Priorasaur, in the east the Coilerasaur, and in the south the Donekosaur. From these evolved todays Hardboot Carver.

Due to fears of extinction and fear of his natural equipment sources dieing off the Hardboot Carver has developed the natural instinct to hoard and stockpile boots , boards, and bindings.

With the mighty Hardboot Carver on the brink of worldwide extinction only an aggressive program of radiotagging, corduroy habitat preservation, and forced breeding can bring this shy yet magestic creature back to its former glory as apex predator of the ski hill.

There have been some successful attempts at "bootsplicing" with "retroviral attitudinal reprogramming" and turning the Soft Booted Park Monkey into hardboot carvers. Most succesfull at this has been the Multinational BlueB Institute with at least five conversions to date.


Reprinted from Audobon Society's "Rare Critters of the world"

[D-Sub]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

DAVE RULES!

[BlueB]

In despite of the great catastrophe described in the article on Rigidius Carvelowersaur and the proliferation of the Park Monkey species, it seems that somewhat larger numbers of hardbooted Carvers survived on the “Old Continent”. As not much contact occurred between the two geographically divided groups, the European group evolved into quite distinct sub-species (Rigidius Dragosaur). The most prominent difference to North American sub-species is that Euro developed their mating ritual (otherwise similar to Americans’) to the extreme, where body is fully dragged on the snow. The belief is that this extreme laying-over is connected with getting laid, and that recent revival of the species is due to the extreme seductiveness of this ritual, to the extent that many softbooting primates, even some previously hostile Twoplanker Wankerus, converted and got accepted to the hardbooting pack.

The legend has it that the best weapon to hunt an EC is a Sword. Scientifically speaking, it sounds strange that a close range weapon is useful to catch such a fast species, but apparently they are so attracted to the Sword, they just lay-over in the snow, again and again.

Some of the European carvers got infected by a strange Virus. However, this didn’t seem to be a deadly disease, but rather improved the performance of the species in the eternal struggle for survival. Recently the Virus has spread over the ocean and great number of North American Rigidiuses got infected too. It is not seen as negative development for the species.

In despite of the similarities the N.American and Euro species often get engaged in bloody battles, mostly revolving about how the mating ritual should be performed. However, these fights seem to be more of folklore nature, as serious casualties haven’t been recorded.
Other interesting difference is that N.American male carvers are more obsessed with the length, while their Euro counterparts pay more attention to the width of their phallus symbols.

Differences aside, the 2 sub-species are still the members of the same species. As the communication is established and individual specimens, sometimes even whole packs, of hardbooters migrate back and forth across the pond, the gene poll is getting stronger and the species is on the verge of re-establishing itself to non-endangered status.


Extract from the Multinational BlueB Institute’s internal scripts

[modifiede30]

Havent' seen this one yet....


The Spandex Eating Race Wannabe - nick-named the "Mutant Sausage”

Often found at the bottom of the slalom race course smoking a cigar, waiting for another hopeless victim to consume as they finish their run, the mutant sausage appears to resemble Santa shoved into a child sized spandex race suit – all the while hopelessly attesting to his phenomenal run that few saw, and those that did, well, it was like watching an alcohol jello drink shoot down an ice sculpture into a toilet. It has been hypothesized that the mutant sausage skier is a hybrid of the Tram Farter and the Black Hole, exhibiting a never ending spew of sh!t but with a modern scent - cheap cigars replace the internally derived methane. This breed is only seen from the highest gondolas and trams, but once seen, they will forever burn an image into your skull that is never forgotten - a very unfortunate experience.

[zoom]

The Gimpy Couch Carver (Rigidus brokenasaurus)

Although the Gimpy Couch Carver is rarely seen on the mountain, it may be easily observed in the forums of Bomber Online and at lower elevation watering holes frequented by other species of Rigidus. Although many GCC exhibit clear identifying marks, such as crutches, slings, casts, braces, ice packs, bandages, and large manila envelopes containing its most recent round of x-rays, other members of the species are best identified with a metal detector.

In its native habitat (online), the GCC is most frequently found in its gear-lined nest offering advice to more mobile Rigidus.

Due to its limited movement, the mating rituals of the GCC are primarily vocal in nature. Its primary mating call is, "I woulda gotten 100 days this year if I hadn't...."

[Gecko]

Dave, Blue B I need the thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have just spent the last 20 minutes ROFLMAO in the food court here on Diego Garcia...you really brightened my day thanks.

[Erik J]

The belief is that this extreme laying-over is connected with getting laid, and that recent revival of the species is due to the extreme seductiveness of this ritual, to the extent that many softbooting primates, even some previously hostile Twoplanker Wankerus, converted and got accepted to the hardbooting pack.


AHHHHHHhhhhhhhh....this carving thing serves a twofold purpose. This is very interesting. Smearing ones hips on the snow serves as a mating ritual. If a mate is not found then simply smearing ones hips on the snow also serves as a form of masturbation, thereby aleviating that itch to procreate. This thread is becoming more and more enlightening. This self-knowledge is how (I believe) Ridgidius Carvelowerasaur may be able to evolve to a higher form.

[Erik J]

Soo who am I...??? hmmm I didn't tinker once this morning!! maybe cause I was still sleeping..

good runs on from 8 to about 11am.. then its a slush bump fest!!

What about Ego Steep Carver.. or Ganjala rider! -smokes enough pot in the ganjala to make everyone on the hill high!!


Is it Beer thirty yet?


Shred, you know I love you baby.

Who am I?
Socially inept, white trash, wanna be-
Prone to random outbursts about "boners" because he doesn't know how to act around others. Tries to cover his white trash roots with the facade of a gourmet. Has a home mountain in Jersey.....nuf said.

[Thumper]

I have just spent the last 20 minutes ROFLMAO in the food court here on Diego Garcia...you really brightened my day thanks.

Gecko, is it still 3 days in jail and a $1500 fine (1st offense) for getting caught surfing there? Definitely worth the risk when it's firing though.

[Blackbird]

Guys & Girls Thankyou sooo much for this thread... I haven't laughed this hard for years!!!

:biggthump


This sooooo has to be part of The Almanac!!!!!

[snowjonz]

Great posts! I've found that too many SoCal riders dress like the "Tough Guy", feel like the "The I-just-want-to-fit-in Guy", Talk like he's the "Next Pro" guy, and Ride Out of Control (just like they drive)....and never, ever gets the attention of the Quiet Girl.

Can somone drop a "Fake" bomb out here so that we can start over??

[Steve Prokopiw]

Seems like a series of 'Farside' type greeting cards based on these posts would be in order. I know I would be giving them to everyone on my list.Funny as hell.

[Gecko]

Gecko, is it still 3 days in jail and a $1500 fine (1st offense) for getting caught surfing there? Definitely worth the risk when it's firing though.


Don't know but it wouldn't surprise me kicking chickens is 1000 pounds, not wearing a helmet on a bike is 50pounds and I'm sure there are other silly fines. I spent the mourning following a sea turtle around the reef off the CPO club...very cool

[Thumper]

Don't know but it wouldn't surprise me kicking chickens is 1000 pounds, not wearing a helmet on a bike is 50pounds and I'm sure there are other silly fines. I spent the mourning following a sea turtle around the reef off the CPO club...very cool That's right, mustn't mess with the Queen's chickens. As I recall, chickens and ghost crabs are all over the place. Almost hit a 15'+ giant ray in the lagoon on a windsurfer, too. Have fun while you're there and keep your head down if you're going downrange.

[ak_rider]

I didnt know there was more of me, aka Quiet Girl. If you want to find me I'm usually hiking or hiding in the trees. Not talking is a choice, I'll talk if you find the right topic.

[pebu]

I didnt know there was more of me, aka Quiet Girl. If you want to find me I'm usually hiking or hiding in the trees. Not talking is a choice, I'll talk if you find the right topic.

So how bout them yankees?
(no, that's not right... change the topic, quick...)
So how's the boardin in Colorado??
(Yeah, that sounds better...)